Thursday, December 6, 2012

Keeping The Family Together Through Email

To: Nick, Jake, Zach and Abby,
 cc: Ace, Marina, Leah

Dear Family,

Hey, do you guys remember how we got our first copy of the cartoon pilot, Family Dog? It was from Joyce Quintal back in 1987, when Joyce and I were Den Mothers during Nick’s Cub Scout Days. 

And btw, did you know the term Den Mother is now discrimination? I guess some Dads tried to become den mothers without the actual surgery, so they changed it to den leaders. :( 

Anyway, our copy of Family Dog was recorded on a VHS tape from the television series Amazing Stories, back when we all deeply believed we were getting away with international crime. 

Weird, right? I mean, satellite and cable TV now come with recording devices as part of the Basic Package. 

But when you guys were little, there were no Coming Attractions on tapes:  there were INTERPOL WARNINGS:   Warning: copying this material is punishable by fines exceeding the value of your most attractive slave-trade-worthy child plus 20 life sentences served in Singapore and Malaysia simultaneously.”

These were exciting times.

In fact, the excitement led us to watch and re-watch Family Dog so often, the recording glitched, sputtering here and there, going in slow motion in spots, until the tape finally melted.

That only encouraged all of you to quote the dialogue in deeper voices. 

Jake does 2-year old lisping Buffy the best, making her sound like James Earle Jones on Lithium.


Well, guess what my POINT IS!!???


I never knew Tim Burton did the animation and I’d forgotten Amazing Stories was produced by Stephen Spielberg.

Abby showed it to us last weekend. It was huge fun to view it in HD and surround-sound with no buffering or commercials, the way God intended.

In related news, Dad, Abby and I did some Christmas shopping in Salem then went to Olive Garden to address Abby’s insane afternoon cravings … for dinner… at, like, SIX THIRTY. And I want to confess to you my Big Diet Slip.  Also that I’m glad I did it.

My last slip was Thanksgiving where I accidentally consumed all of the whipped cream while ‘tasting it’ to make sure it was ‘just right’ – which it never was… until it was gone.


This time I ordered a SECOND family-trough of salad so I wouldn't be tempted to eat the long, thin warm, mini-loaves of bread they like to call 'bread sticks'.

Luckily, they were SO hot-outta-the-oven lethal, the server warned us not to get anywhere NEAR them...

…which is when both of my shoulders followed my hands that lunged at the 'stick basket' like a lost Iraqi insurgent diving into a mirage.  

 I 'Family Dogg'd' the bread sticks by letting my front teeth ‘chatter-scrape’ off the tops which had been doused not just in butter but in PRETZEL SALT ...  which impelled me to eat the tops off all six “sticks.”

By the end of the meal -- after forking only one taste of mashed potatoes to save room for a mini-lemon-mousse teeming with the calcium and anti-oxidants women need -- the bread basket-remains looked to Abby like "they were attacked by several mice. Mom, you ‘mouse’d’ the bread!" 

This launched an appetizing Abby Game from the, 'WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER BE,' ilk where I confessed I would rather be a mouse than a RAT because mice do not crawl up the pant-legs of any of my offspring consuming a frothy beverage on a bar stool nor would a mouse be crushed by wooden BATS by other offspring when discovered in dark Bostonian kitchen-corners in the wee hours ... which launched a misty "We miss Nicholas" rant, so we ordered more bread sticks.

The remnant mouse'd bread-backs were embarrassing.

So I began nibbling the bottoms ... until nothing remained but the white, soft insides, which is how I invented the restaurant game, "Confession" where I was the bad, bad Christian and had to take the Body of Christ over and over, "Amen."  

I'm having some inspiring religious flashbacks today, although whole wheat low-carb fiber wraps are not really very Christian. Much more... Judaic. Shalom. 

Speaking of religion, we see Stephen King speak tomorrow night, then we have the Family Yankee Swap this weekend so I need to go buy ingredients for whatever Ecumenical treats I’m bringing.

I am off like a bread-top.

Love, Mommie 

P.S.  On second thought, DON’T watch Family Dog on Netflix.  Let’s watch it together as a new Christmas Tradition. Much as I love the Nine Inch Nails soundtrack, I’m sorta sick of Seven.  Xo xo xo  See some of you this weekend!!!!