Stardate: December 11, 2012
FROM MOM: Dear Nick, Jake, Zach, Abby,
Dad, blah blah blah etc.,
Guess what!!?? Abby, Dad and I loved our December 7th UMass Lowell Tsongas Center
event, A Conversation with Stephen King,
also touted as the “First Annual Chancellor’s Speaker Series.”
I especially loved how UMass did not employ some oxymoronic redundancy: “Our Premier Very-First Yearly Inaugural
Annual Chancellor’s Speaker Series-Debut.”
Of course, the event was sponsored by
the English Department.
In fact, it was moderated by an
actual UMass Lowell English Professor, the famous Andre Dubus III, who was
additionally three important things (unrelated to the III after his name, which was coincidence):
1.
Dubus III is the son of his famous father
and author, Dubus II, who was friends with Stephen King, leading to Dubus III’s
current Kingian friendship; 2. Dubus III is the author of many NY Times
bestsellers including House of Sand and Fog made into the Academy-Award
nominated film starring Ben Kingsley and Jennifer Connelly; and 3. He is a
native of Massachusetts with a cool local accent rivaled only by King’s more
downeast diction, making Andre and Steve’s conversation through the evening MAH-KID-LY entertaining.
Speaking of English Departments, King
donated more than $100,00 from ticket sales to scholarships for UMass Lowell’s
English students (listen to my heart sing! which is personification).
We also got to hear Stephen read aloud a just-penned short story: what a treat live, with
King’s inflection on key phrases and a magical donning of protagonist and
antagonist-voice.
Well. So inspired were we from our full-on two hours of Stephen King
Live, I recklessly baked over the
weekend. Scary stuff without a recipe.
Abby and I worked fluently using raw adrenaline from King’s horror to test-drive a Christmas
Cranberry Pie, with crust built from scratch -- kneaded with filthy hands.
We took mutantly giant cranberries
clearly infused with testosterone by the ocean spraying folks, and
cut them into quarters barely small enough to fit a human mouth.
We added cranberry juice, sugar, some
flour to thicken.
Voila.
A red, runny fuck mess.
The perfect tribute to Stephen King. He not only used the F-word a lot in
his conversations with Andre Dubus III, but the pie was a culinary homage. Remember his novel, Thinner? Great fun, but the film
version was pretty horrific, and not in the way Stephen intended.
In the end, a red pie is involved and it resembled our cranberry pie. The special effects folks didn’t need
to lift a finger as long as they used our recipe. It’s supposed to contain human blood, disguised by the red, fruity runoff.
At one point someone cuts into the
pie with a horror-movie knife that makes a sword sound ‘shwing’ and –
Well. My pie’s liquidy center was exactly like the blood pie in
Stephen’s movie.
Mmmm… blood pie.
Sort of thematic for Christmas.
Or maybe Easter.
Nativity scenes, crucifix … it’s all
religious to me.
Speaking of which, can't wait to see you all at Christmas!
Love, Mom
ABBY: I feel like we're either going
straight to hell... or the top notch of heaven.... depending what branch of Christianity
we're on.
DAD: We’re on the Low Hanging branch. Or on one of
Dante’s rings. That horror pie was
delicious! BTW, I am going to re-kindle
the neighborhood rumors and wear a yarmulke at Christmas.
JAKE: "Now nobody gets to go to Heaven."
ZACH: Alright, Jake! Aqua Teen Hunger Force reference!
DAD: “Who wants a latte? Oh I'm sorry was that me who knocked that
right out of your hand?” *We may
have to plug in ATHF for the holidays!
ABBY: I'm sitting in Dunk’s... face in my palm... We are all scorned by God ...
MOM: ANYWAY … Stephen King was awesome and--
FAMILY: -- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz --