Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Sewing Up Tangential Family E-Threads

Stardate:  December 11, 2012

FROM MOM:  Dear Nick, Jake, Zach, Abby, Dad, blah blah blah etc.,

Guess what!!??  Abby, Dad and I loved our December 7th UMass Lowell Tsongas Center event, A Conversation with Stephen King, also touted as the “First Annual Chancellor’s Speaker Series.” 

I especially loved how UMass did not employ some oxymoronic redundancy: “Our Premier Very-First Yearly Inaugural Annual Chancellor’s Speaker Series-Debut.” 

Of course, the event was sponsored by the English Department.

In fact, it was moderated by an actual UMass Lowell English Professor, the famous Andre Dubus III, who was additionally three important things (unrelated to the III after his name, which was coincidence):

1.    Dubus III is the son of his famous father and author, Dubus II, who was friends with Stephen King, leading to Dubus III’s current Kingian friendship; 2. Dubus III is the author of many NY Times bestsellers including House of Sand and Fog made into the Academy-Award nominated film starring Ben Kingsley and Jennifer Connelly; and 3. He is a native of Massachusetts with a cool local accent rivaled only by King’s more downeast diction, making Andre and Steve’s conversation through the evening MAH-KID-LY entertaining.

Speaking of English Departments, King donated more than $100,00 from ticket sales to scholarships for UMass Lowell’s English students (listen to my heart sing! which is personification).

We also got to hear Stephen read aloud a just-penned short story: what a treat live, with King’s inflection on key phrases and a magical donning of protagonist and antagonist-voice.

Well.  So inspired were we from our full-on two hours of Stephen King Live, I recklessly baked over the weekend. Scary stuff without a recipe.

Abby and I worked fluently using raw adrenaline from King’s horror to test-drive a Christmas Cranberry Pie, with crust built from scratch -- kneaded with filthy hands.

We took mutantly giant cranberries clearly infused with testosterone by the ocean spraying folks, and cut them into quarters barely small enough to fit a human mouth.

We added cranberry juice, sugar, some flour to thicken.


A red, runny fuck mess. 

The perfect tribute to Stephen King.  He not only used the F-word a lot in his conversations with Andre Dubus III, but the pie was a culinary homage. Remember his novel, Thinner? Great fun, but the film version was pretty horrific, and not in the way Stephen intended.

In the end, a red pie is involved and it resembled our cranberry pie. The special effects folks didn’t need to lift a finger as long as they used our recipe.  It’s supposed to contain human blood, disguised by the red, fruity runoff.

At one point someone cuts into the pie with a horror-movie knife that makes a sword sound ‘shwing’ and –

Well.  My pie’s liquidy center was exactly like the blood pie in Stephen’s movie. 

Mmmm… blood pie. 

Sort of thematic for Christmas. 

Or maybe Easter. 

Nativity scenes, crucifix … it’s all religious to me. 

Speaking of which, can't wait to see you all at Christmas! 

Love, Mom

ABBY:  I feel like we're either going straight to hell... or the top notch of heaven.... depending what branch of Christianity we're on.

DAD: We’re on the Low Hanging branch. Or on one of Dante’s rings.  That horror pie was delicious!  BTW, I am going to re-kindle the neighborhood rumors and wear a yarmulke at Christmas.

JAKE:  "Now nobody gets to go to Heaven."

ZACH:  Alright, Jake!  Aqua Teen Hunger Force reference!

DAD:  “Who wants a latte? Oh I'm sorry was that me who knocked that right out of your hand?”  *We may have to plug in ATHF for the holidays!

ABBY:  I'm sitting in Dunk’s... face in my palm... We are all scorned by God ...

MOM:  ANYWAY … Stephen King was awesome and--

FAMILY:    -- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz --