We were recently shopping at Walmart getting annuals and tulips and black
filthy dirt... when grills popped up and my husband’s eyes went wild with desire.
Me: "Honey -- I know you THINK we need a
new grill--"
Jonathan: "We DEFINITELY need a new gr--"
Me: "What about THIS one?"
Jonathan: "It'll melt down in a year."
Me: "THIS one?"
Jonathan: "Piece a shit."
Me: "Oh, LOOK! A WEBER like your father’s! I know he's been gone a while but his Weber lasted ... well -- HIS lifetime at least!"
Jon: -- strokes beard -- "Hmmm."
Me: "You like that don't you."
Jon: "Mayyybe."
Me: "Let's just get it. It's only $800
and all the rest are half that."
Jon: "What about the one with the SIDE burners
and rack and pinion steering with push button STARTER and an undercarriage WARMER and . .
. indecipherable grill gibberish from hell. . ."
Me: "Um... the diff between the Spectrum and
the GENESIS and the TRON-MAXIMUS SPECIAL? Probably the difference of, like, thousands of dollars."
J: "But they last." Looks wistfully off to the rafters
where actual birds are perching...
Me: "Can't do it. Can't get a
grill worth thousands of dollars No. NO, NO.”
Me to clerk: "Please construct the
Ex-Caliber Maximus Death-Star Weber Elektra Special."
Sales Clerk: "That will be half the
price of your first mortgage."
Me: "I have a credit card."
I feel like Mark Antony from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. We have to ask friends, neighbors, countrymen, to lend us their truck...
Cuz Walmart has now CONSTRUCTED the Ex Caliber Vlad The
Impaler Weber Vaporizer Grille.
It is ready.
That is the pressie Grammy GiGi (*my future grammy handle!) is giving to Jonathan -- sans cute grandfather name -- for his
birthday cuz he evidently NEEDS a Pompey Volcano on his deck. And let me
note this:
It is a good thing I just BOUGHT for him the
Weber Lava Deluxe because only THREE NIGHTS ago he left our clearly faulty irregular-lava-throwing grill ON after we grilled steaks... which Jonathan
remembered mid mouthful when --GASP
-- Out to the deck he ran ...
-- then... there was a flash downstairs.
I wasn't sure if it was Jonathan or the Shadow
People from Ghost Hunters that come through my TV and live here now.
I'd have preferred Shadow People
Cuz back UP ran Jonathan with our 1988 fire-engine-red flame extinguisher, mumbling the words, "GRRR--lammickFLAME-furbabblefuck.”
He returned with massive blisters held in
check by bags of frozen peas.
The handles for temperature control melted
right off our ex-grille.
It is a good thing we had the Weber Millenium
Falcon constructed days after the nuclear holocaust of our ex grille... so we could enjoy newly-endless days of Grill Free Life until we find a Truck Family that
loves us.
WE HAVE A DELUXE WEBER-BRAND HERO GRILLE THAT
WILL LAST UNTIL THE SUN BURNS OUT BUT WE NEED A TRUCK TO TRANSPORT IT TO WEST
STREET.
Family? Neighbors? Ski-Pals? Work-Mates? Pat?? Therese? Christopher?
Rent-A-Truck????
