Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Green Monsters and Dr. 'V' vs Blues-Clues Serial Killers

Just after high-noon today, I was scurrying about hiding my daughter’s Christmas presents (she was due home any minute) when the call came in from her Chauffeur Dad.

 “Hi!” I chirped.  “I assume you guys are less than twenty minutes away?  Lunch is almost ready.”

“Well, not quite twenty.  There was a minor delay.  I broke a molar right off at the gum line on a chewable vitamin-B, so I’m off to a dental appointment.” 

Did he just say 'at the gum line'?

The man is a super hero. Throughout countless dental and bodily catastrophes for himself and the rest of our family, he’s been similarly understated.  By contrast, if I break a split-end with a hairbrush, someone needs to restrain me to preempt a 911 call.

Less than an hour later, he re-phoned in such a state of serene euphoria, I thought he was sedated.  

This was not the case.

“Carolyn, I am calling from the road now to tell you that Doctor V., my oral surgeon… well, the man is a genius, a miracle worker, an artful magician.  He completed the first phase of a root canal and it was so UTTERLY painless , I mean the way Tom handles a syringe,  the warm rush of novocaine, the Siren Drill-Song … well.  The experience ambled toward enjoyment.”

 “Oh, it ‘ambled’, did it?”

Was that ME… sounding –  Jealous? Just who was this ‘Tom’-dentist, anyway, and what did her V stand for??

“Well, doesn't your procedure sound lovely!  In fact, perhaps instead of ‘sweet nothings’ I can whisper the word … ‘amble’ to you tonight.  Or ‘crown.’”

“Ha ha, you’re funny!”

“Humor is my ambling song--”

“--No, really, babe, Tom is a craftsman, in fact—“

He droned on for ten more minutes until the novocaine wore off.  “Hey, Carolyn? I have to stop by Walgreen’s now. Tom wanted me to get some Ibuprofen BEFORE the novocaine wore off and I’m a little behind the power curve.”

“Walgreen’s?  Can you pick up some conditioner?  I’m having issues with split-ends. And honey, this Tom Person, does she remember you have a medical condition, with your myeloma disorder?”

“Tom is a ‘he’ and, oh, Tom knows ALL.”

“Just like the Magical Oz.”

“I know, right?  Tom even says—“

This went on until he was at the check-out, when I finally interrupted.  “Does Tom think it’s okay for you to take Ibuprofen when you’re already on anticoagulants?”

“Umm.  We didn’t discuss it.”

“And does Tom know you take Zometa each month for bone-building, which can cause necrotizing jaw-death ONLY with dental procedures?”

“An interesting hypothes—“

“Did Tom update your records with the medicines you take in the event they’re contra-indicated in cases of Ambling Warm Syringes and Enjoyable Siren-Song?”

Fortunately our daughter called just then, so I call-waited over to her, “Hi, Abby!  If you’re still waiting for Dad—“

“God no, he broke a tooth. I just wanted you to look at your email cuz I JUST sent you my latest story.  It’s a bleak Noir Vignette about Steve from Blues Clues and how he went mad after his wife and son were murdered by a-–“

--click –   “Jonathan? Are you still there?”

“OH I’m here.  I’m just getting out the Hematology Clinic’s number so they can update my file with today’s DENTAL emergency so I don’t get NECROTIZING JAW DEATH—“

--click--      “—then his brother visited the insane asylum where Steve kept calling him ‘Blue’—“

--click--     “Carolyn?  Did you hear me?  Pantene was on sale.  I hope that’s fine cuz I’m already in the car to get Abby in Salem but before—“

--click--     “Mom?  Are you there?”

“Absolutely, sweetie!  I was just saying that Dad is about forty minutes away, so be ready with all your laundry and perishable food.”


“—so I’ll put a call into the clinic now, Carolyn.  I’m hanging up.  Okay?”



“Stop shouting.  I lost you for a sec when I drove under a bridge.”

“Oh.  You’re driving.  Boo.  I wanted you to read my story.”

“I’ll read it when I’m back home, in … about an hour.  Meanwhile, have you read my blog?”


“Hello?  Abby??”

“Grr --- eck.     _____  bert--    SNIZ-lit--    right now …..   --you later, BYE!”



Since when did my family become so self-absorbed?


My experiment to boost blog-hits by pandering to ex-students failed miserably. 

There I was, publicly admitting to alcoholism, and ba-zinga:  seven page views. In 15 hours.  Nine of them mine.

So, today’s Journey To Increased Site-Hits shall reveal my Writer’s Secrets. 

As a multiply-published authoress with articles appearing in Wo-Mag, The Phoenix, T & G, plus countless articles in a magazine where I was paid as staff to write articles -- I am often asked by aspiring writers, “Which brand of cookie dough do you like best?”

This is often followed by, “And do you engage in ‘couponing’?”

 I’ve tried to attend both queries with candor.  But for the record, let me state that my answers will STILL be directed at my ex-students at college, to spike today’s hits.

Nestle Toll House far surpasses Hershey’s brand, Pillsbury, plus all generic-sounding varieties like OSoGood, Wicked Fine, and Oh, MMMM-Baby. 

Raw dough is used by growing college students as a vital source of grease from the non-nutritive flammable food group.  And it’s cheap. One tube can feed up to twelve rugby majors, with enough left over to lubricate several joists and spokaine ratchets on X-Box 360 controllers.

Of greater value, and I share this as a one-time recipient of an A-Minus in Economics, is the Law Of Excellent Marginal Returns, If And Only If you go to Shaw’s and purchase their brand of dough (using coupons) – Then, Return It.

Shaw’s Marginal Returns Policy plus Couponing provides a substantial source of income, crucial to beer and pizza delivery.

Shaw’s policy notes that if any of their products are deemed by consumers to be unsatisfactory or actually toxic, there is a Double Your Money Back Guarantee.  (I am about to engage in mathematics,  so watch carefully.)  Say, for example, you purchase three tubes of Shaw’s Chippedy Chocolatey Tube Dough for $1.99 each.  This is roughly four to six American dollars, using rounded but whole numbers.

To capture the most returns, you first return for double refund all three tubes (at least one of which must be opened with dough missing, to prove you have lubed at least one spokaine and found the dough faulty).

This yields between eighteen and seven-hundred dollars.

You subtract your initial investment of $1.99 times three, then combine your net-profit with Couponing.  I suggest a Shaw’s-Brand-Raw-Dough Coupon, When and Only When Shaw’s throws its Triple Coupon Fest.

Finally, take $5.00 from your returns and invest it in three on-sale tubes of Nestle Toll House Cookie Dough, providing sufficient but delicious dough to keep six rugby players and an equal sum of spokaine-joists lube’d and happy, with exactly $142.19 leftover to buy one pound of DAKA Gummy Squid:  a nutritious member of the Slippery Fish Group (DAKA, not the squid).

I am always happy to share discoveries made within my artistic domain.

And thank you for not asking.