Wednesday, December 19, 2012

EAT IT RAW


My experiment to boost blog-hits by pandering to ex-students failed miserably. 

There I was, publicly admitting to alcoholism, and ba-zinga:  seven page views. In 15 hours.  Nine of them mine.

So, today’s Journey To Increased Site-Hits shall reveal my Writer’s Secrets. 

As a multiply-published authoress with articles appearing in Wo-Mag, The Phoenix, T & G, plus countless articles in a magazine where I was paid as staff to write articles -- I am often asked by aspiring writers, “Which brand of cookie dough do you like best?”

This is often followed by, “And do you engage in ‘couponing’?”

 I’ve tried to attend both queries with candor.  But for the record, let me state that my answers will STILL be directed at my ex-students at college, to spike today’s hits.

Nestle Toll House far surpasses Hershey’s brand, Pillsbury, plus all generic-sounding varieties like OSoGood, Wicked Fine, and Oh, MMMM-Baby. 

Raw dough is used by growing college students as a vital source of grease from the non-nutritive flammable food group.  And it’s cheap. One tube can feed up to twelve rugby majors, with enough left over to lubricate several joists and spokaine ratchets on X-Box 360 controllers.

Of greater value, and I share this as a one-time recipient of an A-Minus in Economics, is the Law Of Excellent Marginal Returns, If And Only If you go to Shaw’s and purchase their brand of dough (using coupons) – Then, Return It.

Shaw’s Marginal Returns Policy plus Couponing provides a substantial source of income, crucial to beer and pizza delivery.

Shaw’s policy notes that if any of their products are deemed by consumers to be unsatisfactory or actually toxic, there is a Double Your Money Back Guarantee.  (I am about to engage in mathematics,  so watch carefully.)  Say, for example, you purchase three tubes of Shaw’s Chippedy Chocolatey Tube Dough for $1.99 each.  This is roughly four to six American dollars, using rounded but whole numbers.

To capture the most returns, you first return for double refund all three tubes (at least one of which must be opened with dough missing, to prove you have lubed at least one spokaine and found the dough faulty).

This yields between eighteen and seven-hundred dollars.

You subtract your initial investment of $1.99 times three, then combine your net-profit with Couponing.  I suggest a Shaw’s-Brand-Raw-Dough Coupon, When and Only When Shaw’s throws its Triple Coupon Fest.

Finally, take $5.00 from your returns and invest it in three on-sale tubes of Nestle Toll House Cookie Dough, providing sufficient but delicious dough to keep six rugby players and an equal sum of spokaine-joists lube’d and happy, with exactly $142.19 leftover to buy one pound of DAKA Gummy Squid:  a nutritious member of the Slippery Fish Group (DAKA, not the squid).

I am always happy to share discoveries made within my artistic domain.

And thank you for not asking.