Just
after high-noon today, I was scurrying about hiding my daughter’s Christmas
presents (she was due home any minute) when the call came in from her Chauffeur
Dad.
“Hi!” I chirped. “I assume you guys are less than twenty
minutes away? Lunch is almost
ready.”
“Well,
not quite twenty. There was a
minor delay. I broke a molar right
off at the gum line on a chewable vitamin-B, so I’m off to a dental
appointment.”
Did
he just say 'at the gum line'?
The
man is a super hero. Throughout countless dental and bodily catastrophes for
himself and the rest of our family, he’s been similarly understated. By contrast, if I break a split-end
with a hairbrush, someone needs to restrain me to preempt a 911 call.
Less
than an hour later, he re-phoned in such a state of serene euphoria, I thought
he was sedated.
This
was not the case.
“Carolyn,
I am calling from the road now to tell you that Doctor V., my oral surgeon… well,
the man is a genius, a miracle worker, an artful magician. He completed the first phase of a root
canal and it was so UTTERLY painless , I mean the way Tom handles a
syringe, the warm rush of novocaine,
the Siren Drill-Song … well. The
experience ambled toward enjoyment.”
“Oh, it ‘ambled’, did it?”
Was
that ME… sounding – Jealous? Just who was this ‘Tom’-dentist, anyway, and what
did her V stand for??
“Well, doesn't your procedure sound lovely!
In fact, perhaps instead of ‘sweet nothings’ I can whisper the word …
‘amble’ to you tonight. Or ‘crown.’”
“Ha
ha, you’re funny!”
“Humor is my ambling song--”
“--No,
really, babe, Tom is a craftsman, in fact—“
He
droned on for ten more minutes until the novocaine wore off. “Hey, Carolyn? I have to stop by
Walgreen’s now. Tom wanted me to get some Ibuprofen BEFORE the novocaine wore
off and I’m a little behind the power curve.”
“Walgreen’s? Can you pick up some conditioner? I’m having issues with split-ends. And
honey, this Tom Person, does she remember you have a medical condition, with
your myeloma disorder?”
“Tom
is a ‘he’ and, oh, Tom knows ALL.”
“Just
like the Magical Oz.”
“I
know, right? Tom even says—“
This
went on until he was at the check-out, when I finally interrupted. “Does Tom think it’s okay for you to
take Ibuprofen when you’re already on anticoagulants?”
“Umm. We didn’t discuss it.”
“And
does Tom know you take Zometa each month for bone-building, which can cause
necrotizing jaw-death ONLY with dental procedures?”
“An
interesting hypothes—“
“Did
Tom update your records with the medicines you take in the event they’re
contra-indicated in cases of Ambling Warm Syringes and Enjoyable Siren-Song?”
Fortunately
our daughter called just then, so I call-waited over to her, “Hi, Abby! If you’re still waiting for Dad—“
“God
no, he broke a tooth. I just wanted you to look at your email cuz I JUST sent
you my latest story. It’s a bleak Noir
Vignette about Steve from Blues Clues and how he went mad after his wife and
son were murdered by a-–“
--click – “Jonathan? Are you still there?”
“OH
I’m here. I’m just getting out the
Hematology Clinic’s number so they can update my file with today’s DENTAL
emergency so I don’t get NECROTIZING JAW DEATH—“
--click-- “—then his brother visited the insane
asylum where Steve kept calling him ‘Blue’—“
--click-- “Carolyn?
Did you hear me? Pantene
was on sale. I hope that’s fine
cuz I’m already in the car to get Abby in Salem but before—“
--click-- “Mom?
Are you there?”
“Absolutely,
sweetie! I was just saying that
Dad is about forty minutes away, so be ready with all your laundry and
perishable food.”
--click—
“—so
I’ll put a call into the clinic now, Carolyn. I’m hanging up. Okay?”
--click—
“MOM!! ARE YOU THERE!?”
“Stop shouting. I lost you for a sec when I drove under a bridge.”
“Stop shouting. I lost you for a sec when I drove under a bridge.”
“Oh. You’re driving. Boo. I wanted you to read my story.”
“I’ll
read it when I’m back home, in … about an hour. Meanwhile, have you read my blog?”
--silence--
“Hello? Abby??”
“Grr
--- eck.
_____ bert-- SNIZ-lit-- …
right now ….. --you
later, BYE!”
--click—
Really?
Since
when did my family become so self-absorbed?
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