Thursday, December 20, 2012

Today, My Blog Is A Man

Please join me this day, December 20th, in celebrating my blog’s one-month birthday! 

For those of you who have real children, do you recall how you counted your newborn’s age?  At first it was in hours.  An infant’s age can be tracked in nano-metric time this way.  In temporal micrometers.  You can see this in baby-book captions.

“Above: Little Farthquar at 10 Seconds Old! (no, that’s not his umbilical cord. Go Baby Farty!)”  “Baby Farthquar at ELEVEN HOURS!”  “HOUR 24: Going home from the hospital!”

And so it goes, page after relentless baby-book page, until you reach the finish-line where you learn that, after 175 pages, Farthquar coincidentally reached his 175th hour.

Well, it’s like that with my blog.  (Only it is 700 hours old, thank you.)

Yes.  Today my blog is a man, according to the ancient tradition of My People (the group from  Protestant Bible Debate).  But according to even ancient-er traditions handed down from The Mayans, today is the last functional day of the world.  The end is nigh*.

 (*nigh = 'tomorrow' in Mayan)

This impels me to make the most critical decision of my 54 years. 

Do I blog about bowel incontinence?  

Or making noise during sex?

Seriously, if I were assured that tomorrow, Life As We Know It [On The Internet] Ends, I might as well blog about something I find funny and not worry about offending anyone.

(I know this sounds like 'magical thinking.'  Because it is.  Instead of being sad the world ends tomorrow, I will be sad when it doesn’t.)

Are you ready?  --Flipping a coin--  

Well, bickety-bam!

The noise-making treatise wins.

I will go prepare this for you now.  God knows I’m not going out to buy green bananas or recycle plastic today.

I’ll be right back.