Sunday, December 2, 2012

Boxers Of Christmas-Past


Christmas, 2004

Dearest Zachary,

   Before you open this gift, Daddy, Abby and I have the following story for you:

  As you know, just as the shopping season thrust itself upon your father and me, Abigail had already launched this year’s First Christmas Miracle by finding The Perfect Piece of Literature to craft our family's Christmas reading-tradition (There's A Monster At The End Of This Book). 
  While similar Santa miracles continued to unfold, the Zach Gift you are about to unwrap was truly the work of a Higher Christmas Power.  
   Her name was Debbie.  She works at Walmart.
  
   There we were, our Zach-List in hand, in the Zach Gift Area, searching for just the right style of Gift, as per List Criteria.     
    We found the right fabric, colors, length, drape-ability, waistband softness, and other special effects. 
   Daddy magically unearthed an OPENED box so we could all feel and stretch and hold up to ourselves to model -- then cross-referenced its features to The Special Features List.
 This brand met every criterion! So we pressed on down the Aisle to find The Right Size.

  Using Spatial-Relations Skills I learned from my colleagues at the math and science academy, I can say that the Aisle was, technically, A Swath of Wall, as tall as Much-Higher-Than-I-Can-Reach, and Many Daddy-Paces long.
   Using our collective Reading Powers (Abigail) we set our sights on the bacteria-sized font that comprised the numbers of available sizes.   
   There were One Thousand sizes. 
   And the correct Zach Size was in a different part of The Wall. 
   We Daddy-Paced southward the distance of two Buicks and discovered seventeen bins labeled with The Right Zach Size.
   Empty.  Every one.
   We continued looking through every shelf from floor to Much Higher-Than-I-Can-Reach across the span of Southern Utah. We think this took six hours. 
   When all hope seemed lost, a salesclerk named Debbie appeared from...   the South Pole. 
   We asked her if she knew when the supply of the Right Sized Zach Item would be replenished.  She cheerfully reported, “You’re in luck, because this particular Zach Item comes in every night.  But I can check to make sure.”   
   She recorded the Bacteria Font Data and vanished, and announced upon her return, in tones usually reserved to announce to the bride, “The plane did not contain your fiancĂ©e,”  “I’m SO sorry, but this item won’t be in for FOUR DAYS.”
   That brought us to December 27.
   The three of us were so crestfallen, Debbie’s eyes began to mist.  
   In a polite show of support, she frowned at The Wall, pretending to look for a Zach Item our family may have missed.
   After two seconds of Perfunctory Looking, her arm of its own accord reached across and plucked from a bin at eye-level one package sitting so precariously close to the edge, it fell into her hands.  With no fanfare, she presented us with one pristine package of the Zach Item in The Right Size. 
    It was the only one in Central Massachusetts.
    Daddy and I said in unison, “How did you DO that?”
    Debbie said, “I don’t know. Just luck.” And – poof...
        … she was gone.
   We know that package had not been there before Debbie manifested it out of thin mess. Debbie, we now realize, was a Yuletide Unicorn.
    So, another Christmas Miracle blessed our family this Joyous Season.
   And Zachary, should Mommie and Daddy’s Holiday-Dimentia mean this ONE remaining package of Your Item in all of the free world has ANY incorrect features, create another miracle, by cheerfully saying, “Meh.”
   Thank you for reminding us of the MANY ‘meh-s’ in Christmehs.  We love you!!!!
XX OO  Mommie, Daddy and Abigail