Saturday, April 13, 2013

Mattel Releases New NICK AND LEYA Engagement-Portrait Dolls This Spring!



 I just spent an hour and a half tossing Abby's Barbie Trunk ... to find the perfect Surrogate Engagement-Portraiture Dolls to remind me of Nick and Leya.   I am certain I’ve found the perfect false idols.

And outfits.   

Check out the happy couple!
 
Nick and Leah doin The Twist
With Nick and Leya's Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties taking place simultaneously at opposite ends of the world, I for one need a formal iconic replica to commemorate this alcohol-infused weekend.

I even found Bang Camaro, Vershok and Taxpayer Hair Adornments! One of the pins is Taxpayer’s original pinstripe-design that I’m sure is a collector’s item.

*I agonized over just the right outfits for Nick and Leya and discovered Nostalgia hurts. I haven't dressed naked Barbies in years. And so…Leya is sporting low-rider gold leather pants with some lovely pink platform shoes, shiny halter top in gold, pink and blue stripes, nestled smartly under a jeans jacket edged in gold.  Note that her left shoulder has a magical gold shell broach.  And check her sleeves and collar?  Elvis got nothin on her.

Nick is wearing an amazing brown suede jacket and jeans, band-pins, and nothing else.  

Human Form, doing the Snow Shoe
Their hair is close to the coifs sported on the evening they met in Toronto.  I’m hoping next week they can send me a photo of the night they first met so I can compare it to my plastic icons.

Check Leya's pearls.  Nice touch, huh?  They're permanent. :( (Also, if you depress a plastic button in her lower back somewhere between L-5 and S-1, a HARP plays angel music. This used to be Fantasy Princess-Bride Barbie.  Hence the pearl earrings and necklace fused by heat to her neck and ears.
Nick and Leya in Lilliput

Meanwhile I am seriously traumatized from the Barbie Trunk. Really, Abby?  You left your trunk in this condition? I felt like Forrest Gump in Viet Nam before they Nape’d the battlefield. I had to leave behind a mayhem of body parts in the guest room. I shut the door.

Human Form, for comparison
 I knew this exercise was destined to go awry when I opened the trunk and a sea of hair-knots and plastic asses of every ilk greeted me. Almost all 50+ dolls had some form of shirt on, but no one was wearing pants.

Some had underpants tatoo’d on.  My colleague art teacher and tatt-artist Jeffrey Jones would be appalled.  Or maybe pleased.  I must ask.

 Several had what looked like relief art etched onto their personal parts.  Or cattle-brands.  All in the shape of flowers.

Countless sets of feet had shoes permanently welded to their pointed toes along with lace stockings painted on their legs. They’re wearing nothing else, of course.  

Many, like the Leya Bride, have permanent jewelry, but one Horror Aberration has lace growing out of her neckline.  

A few have white plastic butts I assume are supposed to be underpants, but they look more like adult diapers. 

I had NO idea the trunk harbored Mary-Kate and Ashley twins before and during puberty and the number of infants wearing nothing but a pacifier was alarming.  Who IS my DAUGHTER?

And what was Mattel thinking when they packaged an entire tribe of infants and toddlers? Were Barbie, Ken and their Crew opening a ghetto day care?  If the state saw the condition these children are in, they'd toss K and B in a prison reserved for tweaking, unlicensed crack-whore siding contractors.

There's an amputee Mulan in there. My God, Abby, how can an expert Samurai Warrior get both arms severed?  Did you time-jump her to the Industrial Revolution?

There's I THINK a Spice Girl with one tooth blackened out.  Not cool.

Someone or some thing I can't identify is wearing a bling-diamond crucifix around her neck.  Vampire slayer?  I am paralyzed here.
Ken with hampster-nibbled nose

And a Barbie NBA hoop star, Abigail?  I guess Mulan lost her shot when she lost BOTH ARMS.

I am attaching additional pix.  A blonde Ken with melted nose. Why the Sphynx-style defiling, Abby?  And the Barbie Day Care Collection -- complete with teenage Hitler devotee -- is appalling and I hope you place that photo in the trash after you view it and pray over it.

Meanwhile, the Nick and Leya dolls are fully clothed and betrothed in time for the Bachelor and Bachelorette parties.  This brings me joy.
Hitler Day Care Collection


Love, Mom

Spice Girl w/toothy mis-hap from the big house
From Abby to ALL:

 'Privacy-blurring' (a la NCIS, during autopsies)
MOM…  I could have sworn most of those Barbies were clothed last time I looked at them. 

Also, the Ken with the missing nose ...was because of my friend's hamster a long time ago...

Spice Girl Doll isn't even mine, but a doll Angeleine left at our house after an all day Barbie play date.

May I remind you YOU WERE THE ONE THAT BOUGHT ME BASKETBALL BARBIE. ... you were in a feminist mood.

<Why is Brandy naked? I had a shirt and pants on her... 

Nick and Leya dolls look perfect. <3

XO – Abby

From Abby to ALL:

And that Hitler Devotee is a bowling doll and her arm won't go down because you're supposed to pull her arm back, it clicks in place, you put the magnetic bowling ball in her hand and you press the lever and she shoots the ball down the alley... 
Gosh. Mom. Gosh.

From Aunt Marcia to ALL:
ha ha ha ha..   i should forward this all to wendy and jen.  neither of them played with barbie. this coversation has made my day..  thanks ladies!!  ha ha ha 

 From Me to Marcia:

No need to forward.  I’m putting this whole thing on my blog. 
xo me