Sunday, May 12, 2013

High Protein, Inexpensive Quinoa Recipe~! (Pass the Gas-X and Happy Mother's Day!)

 Nick and Leah wish me (& I am sure you, too) a Happy Mother's Day!

"Happy Mother's Day," says my gorgeous celebrity-style bouquet from Nick and Leah of Canadia!


In one month and three days, they can wish me a Happy Mother's Day in person!! (This is the day I am attending their wedding in Ontario, in a dress!)

In case you are following the story of my hot pursuit of a Mom O' Groom dress -- since February -- regard below an actual photograph from yesterday's shopping excursion.  (It typifies our many successes!)
Mother Of Statue-of-Liberty dress


           There are four other photos just like this~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
only I am trapped inside completely different dress-parts, in other fabrics and colors.

Had it not been for Alexandra and Marina and Abigail retrieving arms and limbs hopelessly ensmeared in fabric, SWAT teams would have been involved in some crow-bar intensive event.

Hey, I just realized that over the next years, as I acquire several more daughters-in-law, Mother's Day will be like Christmas in that it is shared by others of the same religion (Hail Me, I Had Babies) where food and gifts are central.

Which brings me to today's Errant Recipe Gone Good.

Besides celebrating me, we are gathering here for a great evacuation.  Oh PLEASE go read the post about my Personal Evacuation where I had an allergic reaction to the Atkins diet. accidentally shat myself

Today's Mother's Day Evac surrounds decades of furniture and deadly detritus our four adult children have deposited here over the years.  Read about specific artifacts here:   I'm a Feature On Hoarders

So I literally drafted my children to come here -- today -- MOTHER'S Day -- to claim or burn their  remains, or perhaps mark them with a Number-Coded Sticker:  #1 meaning, "This is mine, but I want you guys to have it,"  #2: "This was one of my ex-girlfriend's so I cannot take possession of it nor acknowledge I know what it is," and #3: "My brothers and sister and I will do Rock/Paper/Scissors to Claim it for Permanent Abandonment at your home."

This system -- regardless of the numbers -- will result in their father and me carting their personal effects  to the landfill.  There is a WEDDING in a month so I have no time to hold a yard sale.  Or a bake sale.  Not even to raise funds for the gasoline I'll need to transport their refuse to our local dump, let alone the bribes I'll need to entice Landfill Guardians to permit toxic combustibles onto their site.

Meanwhile, to reward those offspring who have not moved to Canada To Avoid The Draft, I've constructed a feast for today made, naturally, of ingrediente du expiry languishing on the shelf beside the cancer medication. Any ingredient I did not understand (Italian Farro and Amaranth) I did not use. The rest I threw in a pot after discovering they shared similar cooking times. 

I combined the following:  French Petite Green Lentils (product of Canada!), Jasmine Rice, and Black Quinoa.  I chose to make this a Vegan Concoction as all of my kids and their betrotheds love vegan fare and ... well.  Because I ordered steamed lobsters for myself for this afternoon.  Cuz it's MOTHER'S Day.


1. Combine in cooking vessel one cup each of the above ingredients plus 8 cups of water.  

2. I am serious about the 8.  It all absorbs later, but let's not get ahead of the story.

3. Don't read directions on any of your rice or legume bags because they just drone on about how some of those eight cups have to boil BEFORE you add dry contents. *Rest assured that pre-boiled water ruins this recipe.  

4. Set your stove timer for 13 minutes.  All of the bags provided a range of cooking times:  anywhere from 15 to 20 and up to 25 minutes. So I took the 'mean' of these three numbers which, for those of you who are math and science oriented, you know "means" I selected the random number 13 because it is just the most fucking funny number regarding literature, the culinary arts and good luck.

5. After the rice, lentils and quinoa boil for 13 minutes UNCOVERED WITH A GENEROUS HELPING OF COCONUT OIL, remove it RIGHT NOW from the heat.

6.  Go take a bubble bath because it is MOTHER'S day by gawd if you -- a MOTHER -- are cooking today like some unsalaried chef, you need scented, aqueous respite before proceeding to number 7.

7. Don't you smell and feel glorious now?  

8. As you were busy languishing like dusty legumes on a cancer shelf, just LOOK inside your pot and see what happened! The Vegan Draft mix clotted up all nice.  

9. Now, quickly, while it's still hot,  chop and add the following: a red onion, a bunch of kale, one baby yellow pepper, one baby red pepper, another glop of coconut oil, one packet of Goya salad seasoning, precisely two or four 'dashes' of seasoned rice vinegar, freshly ground black pepper, a teaspoon or more of Olde Canadian Steak Rub which I buy at Heathe's Grocery Store in Meredith, New Hampshire until they discontinued it in 2011.  So use a nice tablespoon of any steak rub that has beautiful flakes of sea salt that shine like the diamonds on Leah and Marina's  engagement-fingers. 

10.  Stir and plate.  It's amazing hot or cold.

11. Once your children have coded their ex-possessions with stickers allowing legal authorization to have them all destroyed, and they have swept and spritzed the garage and basement with Febreze, demand that someone go pick up your steamed lobsters.

12.  Start eating them the instant they arrive.  But first, make your family extract the meat from all the shells because as we all know, E V E R Y  t i m e  you eat lobster, you slice a thumb with a claw-shell and bleed and upset everyone at the table.  

13. Eat the lobster meat with butter someone has melted for you and remind everyone how you slaved this morning over a hot stove to combine shelf-stable products in a pot of boiling water for them to enjoy.  And make them go eat it and leave you alone to make a smelly, lobstery mess in the privacy of your secret eating closet.

I will leave this at the special number 13 so you won't forget how many mean minutes to boil your Mother's Day Vegan Draft.

Black Quinoa, Petite French Green Lentil, Jasmine Rice Vegan Draft